I've been thinking that I'd share why I started this blog - my personal story...but I wasn't sure if I should. Or if I really wanted too. It's personal and kind of painful for me. And who would really care? I mean, you're all visiting to hear about Mark, not the faceless girl behind the computer screen. But, I don't know...maybe it will be cathartic for me. I mean, we all have a story. We all have pain in our lives. I truly believe God gave us compassion and emotion so that we could share it with each other and lean on one another.
So, I'll write it. You can read it if you want to. But perhaps this is one post you'll skip. :) I promise this blog will never become a personal blog. I have a personal twitter and blog for my own stuff. I want to stay focused on Mark here. :) But, since this story is the genesis of this blog, I'll go ahead and share it. I'm a librarian and I believe that everyone should have access to all information and have the freedom to make their own conclusions and find their own path. Never just do what you're told....investigate and KNOW it is the right path. People can be wrong. Never forget that. :) So, I'll share this information. *nervous*
So, where do I begin? lol
I've always been a fan of Dancing with the Stars. My mom was a ballroom/latin dancer/teacher and so I have a love of the art. We were very excited when the show came on the air. When Mark came on the show, he had the style that I liked in Ballroom/Latin. His personality was fun and I was just drawn to him. I didn't really have a favorite pro before that. I like Cheryl quite a bit, but before Mark came along, I didn't focus on the personalities and such of the pros as much. The show didn't either. In the first few seasons, the focus was almost entirely on the celebrities (of course, no one knew who these dancer people were!), but the pros have their own fans now. It's nice to be able to see their journey through the show each season too. :)
I won't go into detail about seasons 5, 6, & 7 of DWTS because the genesis of this blog really beginning in 2009. I'm from Des Moines, Iowa and I have followed the career of Shawn Johnson for nearly her whole life. Her family worked with my family, so they always gave us updates and stuff. She is our local girl who succeeded at her skill. We are very proud of her here. :) So, when she was announced to be on DWTS, we were very excited and ready to cheer her on. I was ecstatic when I found out she had Mark as a partner. Talk about a good deal for me! I wouldn't have to split my votes. ;) hehehe Anyhoo, I'm a Team Shark fan...but maybe not for the reasons you think.
Yes, I am a supporter of Team Shark because of Shawn and because I like Mark, but also, something I didn't expect. And I can't really explain. They moved me. I think it's what happened with Team Sabrina fans. They were moved and that is why they are so passionate. Well, I was moved by Mark and Shawn. Why? It's a deeply personal thing...and like most of the time when you are affected by art - it isn't really about the art at all. It's about you. And the moment...where you are in your life. There was something about that season that really tugged at me. I was in a certain place in life and finally something woke me up. It was a lot of things, I think. I was inspired by Shawn's journey to the Olympics and so proud that she represented Iowa so wonderfully (and continues to do so). I was already enjoying Mark and his art, but it was a background thing in my life. I just tuned in and said "oh, there's that wonderful dancer again. *smile*"...but all the pieces were not there yet.
For my entire life, we have been poor and struggling...but that's not the problem. I wouldn't trade my life for the world. I think you really learn to appreciate things more when you don't have everything you need and have to struggle for it. But when I started high school, my brother left. He went to live with my father and I stayed with my mother. It was a better fit for him...being with dad. But, it was hard on me. Him and I had always been so close. We were the best of friends, only a year & a half apart in age. Then, suddenly I didn't see him everyday anymore. I only saw him every other weekend. I know it was hard on him too, but such is life.
The next year, in 1993, the floods hit. They devastated our state and surrounding states in the Midwest. But even though all we had to our names that summer was a couple bags of clothes, a beat up car, and a dog....the floods were a blessing. My mother had been in a bad relationship since she and my father divorced (when I was 5) and the floods gave us the opportunity to get away. I don't want to go into much detail, but the Lord gave us a way to escape and I praise Him and thank Him. We had nothing material, but we had our lives and we had each other and we had a new start. It was rough though. My mother suffered from depression and I had always been the strong one...the one to take care of her. But the huge changes in my life with my brother leaving and the floods and the move, all on top of the fact that I'd been through bad things while the jerk was in our lives - it all compounded and I was depressed too. I never told anyone though. I know I still suffer from it to this day, but I found a way to deal with it on my own. I HAD to be strong. The Lord got me through and I know when I need to stop and deal and get myself together. And, I know I have a long way to go. I struggle every day with it. But, I still need to be the strong one. God built me strong enough to endure my path. I have faith in this and it brings me peace. :)
I was 16 when we left in that beat up car. From that day forward, my life was changed. We never got back on our feet. We've bounced from town to town, school to school. Lived with various friends and family. Lived in a car. I worked and handled the bills when mom was really sick. She worked when she could, but when her illness got bad, it was impossible for her work. She was strong and did what she could, but we needed each other. I didn't go straight on to college after high school. I needed to be with mom, but a couple years after I graduated, my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. My mother went to live with her and help take care of her. I went to college. It was a good place for me. I grew there and felt like I could really be a whole person. I studied music and art and literature and found my calling in librarianship and music. But then it was time to graduate. I went home...momma had a home of her own by then. My grandmother passed away from the cancer in 98. Mom had met a man. He's a good man. He doesn't hurt her like that other guy did.
I had never seen my mother's house. I didn't come home from college while I was a student there...couldn't afford to (it was a work-study college, so college was free, thank goodness!), so this was the first time I was going to see her home. She gave me directions that were wrong, LOL. She had forgotten about a new exit on the highway. But, God got me to the doorstep. I have NO IDEA how I found it, but I saw the house number and realized I was there. It was the first time my mother had lived on her own. She had her boyfriend nearby and now I was home, which she was very happy about. She was doing better, but she still struggles. After a few years, I went to graduate school, and after graduation, I was blessed to find a job (though only part-time) very close to my mother's house. I moved back in with her and I've helped her the past few years. God knew I needed to be here. The past few years have been rough, but 2009 was a very difficult year for us.
We had some major deaths in our family since my maternal grandma died (we called her nanny). My cousin was killed suddenly in a car accident and that was an altering event in the family. There were other losses too, but in 2009, we lost many people. There were months I literally went to a funeral every week. :( My mom lost her oldest sister....the first of the siblings to go. In her 50s. :( Too young.
This brings me to another thing I've dealt with. My maternal family has an addiction gene. It exists. I've seen it. It can be overcome, but it's there. So much addiction...drugs, alcohol. :( Everyone dying around me from alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes. You might hear me from time to time, talking about how much I dislike those things. It's not funny to me, to talk about getting drunk or doing drugs or even smoking or drinking caffeine when you are stressed or tired or whatever. If it's a crutch...I don't like it. We all have them....but I want people to work to overcome those additions and crutches, not laugh about them. It's such a severe thing...I see what these things do to people. Rotting bodies and minds. :(
But, I digress again. The reason I tell you this is because it is something that defines me. Addiction and death. They are big themes in my life. As Mark has said with his uncle's suicide, you might not be the person with the problem/illness, but it affects you. It hurts you. Happily, I have not had any problems with addition in my life. I thank God for the strength He gives me. :)
2009 was a year we hoped would be a turning point. I remember my mother and I sitting watching the festivities on TV on New Years Eve and we looked at each other and said "2009 will be a good year. We will find our way this year." We hoped that the struggles we had been dealing with would be ending. But they didn't. It was the worst year of them all. And the best. Because that's how God works. You might be struggling and having a hard time, but He will still work through that. He still has a purpose for us all, no matter what state of mind or condition we are in. It's not how shiny and new the vessel is, it's how solid it is.
I had gained a great deal of weight in graduate school (sitting and writing hundreds of huge research papers and thesis papers does NOTHING for the hips, I tell you! hehehe), and it only added to my underlying depression problems. I didn't feel like moving or doing anything. For 3 years, I just sat there. I got up and went to work and I went home and sat. I tried to get involved in things from time to time, but the minute someone started to notice that I wasn't quite right...I hid myself away again. I suppose part of me has been afraid to say that I'm struggling inside...like it would mean that I failed and I was weak.
With the exception of myself and my 17 hour a week job, every member of my family were laid off by the end of 2008. I think many can relate to that. So many are struggling financially. I try not to let money issues stress me out, but sometimes it can't be helped. So, that only added to the stresses.
Then came Shawn and Mark. Obviously I was paying close attention to the pair, because I liked them both separately already. But, I had no idea it would move me so much. It's hard to say why a certain thing lights a fire in your life, when other things haven't. That's just how it goes. You don't know what you need until you encounter it...that's why you've always got to keep your eyes open. God will reach you in different ways....unexpected ways.
As I said before, I always watched DWTS, but season 8 is the first season that got me up and out of my chair. Every week I wanted to try and do what Shawn was doing. I watched her and remembered how I used to be. I was strong once. I was muscular and fit once. I was powerful once. I had passion once. I missed myself and I wanted to be ME again. I was sick of sitting still and feeling empty. I saw her and realized I used to be like her and so she inspired me to get up and start moving again. To feel what it was like to be physical again. I was always in sports growing up - whatever I could do. My favorite was weightlifting and gymnastics. I was too shy to dance, but I always loved it and dreamed of dancing. I took a couple of dance lessons as a kid, but only the free lessons they offer. We couldn't afford lessons on anything. The only reason I was able to embrace my love of music and study violin was because I found a teacher when I was 8 who gave me a free violin and music book and a summer's worth of lessons and let me play in her orchestra for 5 years. (Evelyn, you are missed, my beloved teacher.)
And, in addition to being inspired by Shawn, I learned a ton more about Mark. He plays music...and while I thoroughly enjoy Almost Amy/BHB, I LOVE his solo style. I'm a classically trained musician (but I love all forms of music) and his classical background really comes through in his guitar work. It's just beautiful. I simply adore it. :)
In addition, I saw...we all saw...a different side to Mark with Shawn. With Sabrina, we saw the young, crazy kid. Him and Sabrina were like partners in crime. :) With Kristi we saw a little more mature Mark, but still young. We saw the gentleman side of him come out more. It's not that he wasn't a gentleman with Sabrina, he certainly was. He is with everyone...but Kristi was his elder and you could tell he looked up to her. It is a different relationship than with Sabrina. With Sabrina, it's peer thing. With Kristi, it's an elder thing. Both are great friendships, but different. :) With Kim, we only saw him for a moment really...and all I saw was a teacher. A focused teacher. We didn't really get to see much of the friendship develop between Mark and Kim. But with Shawn, Mark was faced with something new. He was maturing, little by little...as we all do in our 20s, and his new partner was only 17. Though, Shawn was a very mature 17, she was still young. We got to see this protective big brother side to Mark. And with the stalking thing...it was subtle, but you saw the protection get a little stronger. So, gaining a deeper understanding of Mark's personality, truly enjoying the choreography he created in season 8, and falling in love with his music...it all moved me.
I started working out and losing weight. I felt a little happier. Even though the pain was still around us and the bad things were still happening (many of the deaths didn't happen until the last half of the year), I had this new vision. I remembered who I was. Shawn and Mark's art, their drive, their journey...it woke me up. I knew that even though things were still rough, I could work toward getting back on my feet. I didn't feel like sitting anymore. I had a passion to get up and create my art again. To play my violin again. To dance. To work out. To live. :)
It's not an instant thing, mind you. I'm still working on it and I have far to go. But, I'm moving down the path again, instead of sitting still. You can tell yourself you're moving because you get up in the morning and go to work and pay your bills...but you might not really be living. I wasn't. I am now. :)
After Mark and Shawn won, they had a long summer of appearances - a few of which happened in Iowa (yay! another benefit of Shawn being our hometown girl). For the first time in my life, I went to a concert early, waited all day in the heat, made a poster, and stood in line to shake Mark's hand. I'd been to concerts before, but I didn't get involved like that. I had such a good time that day. I met other Mark fans, enjoyed some beautiful music, enjoyed the state fair with my mom and new friends...it was lovely....even though it was like 150 degrees outside. LOL
Mark debuted a song at the Iowa State Fair...well a couple of them, actually. But, one stood out to me. The moment he began, it moved me. And it remains my very favorite song of his...one of my favorite songs period. Light On. The guitars are beautiful. The melody is gorgeous. And the lyrics are perfect. They really spoke to me. This might sound weird...but I think I'd like it played at my funeral someday. To give the people there a hopeful feeling. Leave a light on. It will be alright. :)
Omg, I'm totally crying now. Good tears, good tears. This is what art should do though. Artists create because they are inspired. The purpose is to inspire. Who knows how or when. As an artist myself, it's beautiful to be able to learn when my art has moved or inspired someone, but many times, you never know. You just put it out there and hope it makes the world better and if someone needed it...it will get to them.
I needed this song.
So many things about Mark and Shawn have inspired me and changed me...them as individuals and as a team...but that song is really the kicker.
Thanks for the song, Mark. :)
When my grandmother died (my other g'ma, on my dad's side) - it was the first truly devastating death in my life. My grandmother was my favorite person on this planet. I was her first grandchild and her only granddaughter. We had a special relationship. She lived to be 93 - a long, good life. It was time, but it was still difficult. It happened in May of this year. If you've lost someone that close to you, you'll understand how it feels. It's different from other losses. The pain is different. It's hard to explain. It was weeks before I felt happy again. I listened to Mark's music a lot. Especially that first week. Light On. God I'm glad I have that song in my life. Funny story though, I remember the day I started to feel better. I had lost my g'ma the week just before the semester break at the college I work at. Between semesters, I'm off work for 3 weeks or so...I only work when the students are in classes. So, I had a lot of time off work after her death. My first day back at work, I was sitting at my desk and I remember thinking "what a weird feeling. I feel so weird!", but it wasn't a bad feeling. I thought about it for a while...sat quietly (not hard to do in a library) and I realized what it was. I was happy. I hadn't felt it in so long I had forgotten what it felt like. I just about laughed out loud in the library! :) I don't think I'll ever forget that. :)
So, every time I've struggled with something, I've turned to videos of Team Shark dancing or Mark's other dancing. I've turned to Mark's music. I've turned to Shawn's gymnastics videos. I don't want to you think that they are my saviors. No. God did this. It is God I thank. I pray to Him. I go to Him. But He put this in my life to help me. You never know when you are a vessel of God. Shawn and Mark didn't know they were for me...but all the same, they were - and still are. :) Their artistry, passion, and smiles make me happy.
So, I've lost 20 pounds so far...I got injured and then suffered illness and couldn't workout for many months, but I'm back in it now. :) I can't wait to work out every day. It feels good. I'm so excited to look in the mirror someday and recognize the person there....we're almost there. ;)
I've been getting more involved in things again too. Dance lessons, community service, bible study, lunches and movies with friends....all very good. :)
I mentioned earlier that I'm a librarian. It's the perfect career for me. Though I do have my degrees in the arts, my art is very personal. I do it on my own time...I'm not a career artist. There are many types of artists. :) I'm not the performer...I'm a quiet, behind the scenes artist. ;) hehehe
But librarianship is perfect for me. I've always loved teaching and that is a part of the job. Also, I love helping people...and that is what the job is all about. Helping people to find, understand and use information. Information. Seek it! It will change you, drive you, help you, move you, define you. It's there and free for the taking! :) Finally, librarianship is all about organizing. And let me tell you...I'm an organizer. :) Whenever I get stressed out or I'm struggling or I need to think...I'll organize something. My sock drawer. My iTunes. The fridge. It doesn't matter. :)
And that is where this blog was born. It's not a fanatical obsession thing. I didn't do it to get Mark's attention or to try and be popular or anything. I just did it. I was already doing it. I like things neat and orderly, so I started folders and files on my computer of videos and pictures and news articles. Anything relating to Mark's or Shawn's art (and other artists I enjoy) that I might like to revisit from time to time. I figured, why not put it in website form and have pages and folders and tags and things? I've always enjoyed web development and hadn't done it in a long time. And I figured, Mark deserves to have a website like this and there just wasn't one. So, I figured I would share it. I didn't know if anyone would care, but I knew I'd have fun with it. It helps me to be calm. Organizing is a mediation thing for me. :) With the blog, not only do I get to organize until my little heart is content, but I also get to enjoy some great artistry in the process.
So, I still have a ways to go before I'm back to being me, but I'm on the path. This blog and Mark have been huge parts of that healing. It's been wonderful getting to know other fans of Mark. And it's beautiful to watch Mark grow as a person and artist. Just in the past year and a half he has grown. I hope he has all the success and happiness in the world. :)
When I met Mark, I remember thinking I'd like to tell him how he had helped me...but I didn't know how to do it quickly and it was weird with all the other people around. So, I didn't say anything. There really wasn't a way to tell him, I mean, look at this thing...it's a book! hahahaha! But it's not about that anyway. Like I said before, you might never know how you affect another person...it's really not about that part. It's just about living, sharing, loving and being. People will move you and you will move others. It is how God set up the world. Just be present. Just be aware. Don't be afraid to share love and happiness with others. Whether you know it or not, you will help someone, somewhere. :)
You know how I said this might be cathartic for me? It was. I cried, I laughed, and I am refreshed. :)
Love and peace and happiness to you all! ::hugs::
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